Sh*t My Dad Says
Written by: Justin Halpern
Narrated by: Sean Schemmel
Release date: May 4, 2010
Length: 3 hours 9 minutes
“I know what Twitter is Goddammit. You talk to me like I don’t know what shit is. I KNOW what it is. You have to start up the internet to get on Twitter” he said making the universal sign for turning a key in the ignition when he said the words “start up the internet”.
28-year-old Justin Halpern has moved back home to live with his mother and father after a recent breakup. His 73-year-old father, Sam Halpern is a man that always speaks his mind. Justin starts a Twitter account sharing some of the funny and ridiculous things his dad has said. It’s not long before the Twitter account has thousands of followers and it wasn’t slowing down. Then came the calls from literary agents, reporters, TV producers, and book publishers.
***There are a lot of curse words and some “dirty” humor (both the sexy kind and the toilet kind). But honestly, I loved it.
Just a couple of my favorites:
“Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won’t be the last time that happens.”
“I just want silence… Jesus, it doesn’t mean I don’t like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.”
On Talking to Strangers “Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don’t know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else.”
On friends – “I don’t need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I’m old. I’m through moving shit.”
On his birthday – “If it’s not bourbon or sweatpants, it’s going in the garbage…. No, don’t get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.”
On chivalry – “Give your mother the front seat…. I don’t give a shit if she said you could have it, that’s what she’s supposed to do, and you’re supposed to say, ‘No, I insist.’ You think I’m gonna drive around with my wife in the backseat and a nine-year-old in the front? You’re a crazy son of a bitch.”
On Selling His Beloved 1967 Two-Door Mercury Cougar “This is what happens when you have a family. You sacrifice. [Pause] You sacrifice a lot. [Long pause] It’s gonna be in your best interest to stay away from me for the next couple days.”
I don’t know what took me so long to get to this book. I wanted to read it when it first came out but somehow it slipped my mind. I happened to come across it a couple of months ago, the audio was on sale so I bought it. I’ve been reading some heavy stuff lately and going through some heavy stuff and I figured it was the perfect time to listen to it.
I’m so glad that I bought the audio instead of the book. I’m sure I would have enjoyed the physical book too but the audio just added something extra. I didn’t realize until now that it wasn’t narrated by the author. I really liked the narration and will be looking into seeing what else Sean Schemmel has narrated.
I really liked how there were quick little quotes mixed in with stories that were a few minutes long. I thought it was very funny and found myself laughing out loud quite often. There were also many heartwarming quotes/stories that showed just how close of a relationship Justin has with his father. “Sometimes it’s nice when people you love need you.”
My only complaint is that it was too short. 3 hours and 9 minutes went by so fast. I wanted MORE SH*T!!